Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

“8 Mother’s Day Gifts You Should Never Buy, According to Moms,” blared the headline of a recent “Good Housekeeping” article.

(And by blared, I mean “got drowned out by all the seasonal ‘Oprah promises this $20 air fryer will make the stretch marks and sleepless nights worth it’ headlines.”)

So, whether you’re feeling good about yourself for making the high school varsity team, landing your first full-time job or raising well-adjusted children of your own… suddenly, there’s a magazine informing you that you’ve been ruining mom’s special day all these years! (It’s a wonder “Good Housekeeping” didn’t partner with “Car and Driver” for this guilt trip.)

In a perfect world, “Good Housekeeping” wouldn’t have to lecture us; but even the most controlling mothers are notoriously tight-lipped about gift-giving suggestions. (“Oh, I don’t really need anything for Mother’s Day. I can’t *cough* take it with me, anyway. *Cough*”)

Most of us could truthfully declare, “My momma didn’t raise no fools – but she didn’t raise any mind readers, either.” It’s a shame that “Speak now or forever hold your peace” is reserved for weddings. It would save a heap of insincerity if the Hippocratic Oath required pediatricians to deliver the “Speak now…” challenge to mothers during their offspring’s formative years. (“Oh, I love the toilet brush, honey! It’s even better than the one from last year. I just wish the Storage Unit of Misfit Gifts had a toilet, so I could use it.”)

What mothers do to us is almost entrapment. They train us to dress according to polite society’s standards, play well with others and get a sensible job — then apparently they feel betrayed because we engage in conformity by grabbing a “World’s Greatest Mom” coffee mug from the gas station.

Moms who are more adept at giving hints have learned the hard way that they must be very specific about colors, styles, sizes and other criteria. With some knucklehead children, saying, “I just want grandchildren” is too open to interpretation. (“Officer O’Malley, ma’am. Yes, these are grandchildren, but they’re not your grandchildren.”)

The article stressed practicality, originality, stress reduction and Things That Moms Really Want. I suspect “empty nester” mothers would really crave a flip-flop drone. (“I don’t care which coast you’re living on. Don’t make fun of your sister. WHAP!”)

I squirmed a little when I read the article, because at my day job, we do sell some of the forbidden items (such as cookware, cleaning supplies and flowers). Maybe we could win points with “Good Housekeeping” if we at least nagged customers into putting a little more thought into their impulse purchases. (“I’m glad you like the smell of the candle, but ask yourself, ‘What deeper meaning would Ralph Waldo Emerson ascribe to this aroma?’”)

I cannot recall ALL the heartfelt gifts I gave my late mother over the years,(I do recall each and every one of the heartfelt glances my wife gave me while wondering why she had to pick out my mother’s gifts), but mom seemed to enjoy them. Of course, she also seemed to enjoy triggering the San Andreas Fault with the volume of her TV, so there’s that.

I hope everyone has a sincerely enjoyable Mother’s Day.

And a safe one.

“If you’re going to jump off a bridge with your hoodlum friends, make sure the $20 Oprah air fryer is unplugged first!”

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Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”