Beat the Heat

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Humans cherish our seasonal grievances. In the winter, we enthusiastically complain about the cold. In the spring, it’s the wet. In the fall, it’s the pumpkin spice. But in the summer, it’s the heat. Your Aunt Catherine may have said, “Its not the heat, it’s the humidity.” But as usual, she was wrong: it’s the heat.

So here we are, dead-end summer and guess what; it’s hot out there. And not just your normal summer- hot either. We’re talking exponential factor hot. Second degree burns from the car-door handle-hot. Your clothes all feel like greasy Saran Wrap-hot. Hershey bars are drinkable-hot. Sweating in places you weren’t aware you had places-hot. Record shatteringly hot.

As a matter of fact, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration declared July 2019 to be the hottest month recorded in the history of forever. Well, since 1880 anyway, when they started keeping records. Which back then was done with quill and parchment, so you know they were extra careful.

We’ll ignore the question of whether humans are responsible for heating up the globe like a test tube on a Bunsen burner with the gas spigot turned up full. YES! Along with other questions such as does the unceasing burning of fossil fuels bear any responsibility? INDEED! Or is the current administration colluding to accelerate the rise of the planet’s thermostat? YOU BET!

Rather, let’s focus on the practical aspects of surviving these thermal extremes. Local television coverage thoughtfully provides advice with their annual “How to Survive the Heat Wave” segments.

These typically involves a reporter frying an egg on the sidewalk or the hood of a car or the forehead of the resident wacky sports reporter. Then they haul in some dodgy looking expert who intones earthshakingly predictable advice while the perky anchor makes valiant efforts to remain alert; “Stay indoors. Don’t exert yourself. Wear light colored clothing. Drink plenty of liquids. Plan physical activities for early in the day. Call into work as absent due to the scorchiness.”

They might as well caution you to eat food, breathe air and walk upright. And because we here at Durstco care, here’s a couple of novel ideas on how to stay cool while the rest of the world swelters in the blistering.

TOP WAYS TO BEAT THE HEAT DURING WHAT’S LEFT OF THE SUMMER EVER.

– Take a trip to the southern part of South America, its winter there.

– At irregular intervals, stick your head in the refrigerator.

– Sign up for underwater spelunking lessons.

– Sleep as close to the beach as possible, but check the tides first.

– Ice cubes in your underwear. Scoff if you will, but it works.

– For as long as it takes, subsist entirely on ice cream.

– Hang out in the shady parts of town.

– Meditation. Think cool thoughts.

– Collect all your sweat and put it in a bowl. Won’t make you cooler, but will keep your mind off how hot it is.

– Eat frozen foods while still frozen.

– Sit in a sauna for ten minutes every hour. Then the mere balmy will seem refreshingly cool in comparison.

Book a room in a hotel with a pool. Crank the air down to glacial.

Drink plenty of water, frozen into cubes, completely surrounded by gin and tonic.

Two words: Champagne popsicles.

Copyright 2019, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.