For Trump, There’s Always a New Story

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One thing you’ve got to give Trump is the Oval Office occupant knows his way around a misdirection.

Every day the magnificent media magician manages to conjure up some wacky stunt, verbal flub or piece of shocking news designed to distract the spotlight from his staggering pile of emerging scandals in the manner of sawing a lady lobbyist in half in the front glass lobby of a children’s library.

A partial chronicle of his repertoire consists of name-calling, fact-mangling, verbal burps, Russian hugs and making stuff up while denying stuff that everyone agrees on. Accompanied by loud crashes, bright flashes and “Breaking News” slashes, syncopated to the drumbeat of that sound that hypnotizes him, his own name “Trump… Trump… Trump.”

Standing next to the Japanese prime minister, the president of the United States praised North Korea’s beloved leader Kim Jong Un for sharing his opinion that a possible rival to his second term, Joe Biden, was a low I.Q. individual. He tweeted the same thing and misspelled the Democrat’s name as “Bidan.” It would be funny if only it weren’t.

Earlier, Trump walked out of a Congressional meeting on infrastructure with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer because the Speaker had the temerity to suggest he was engaged in a cover-up. This precipitated a reaction that many referred to as “over the top.” And over the top for him involves a lunar landing.

“Cover-up” hardy sounds antagonistic considering he’s been accused of obstructing justice, being an agent of a foreign power and a man who puts kids in cages. Maybe he thought it was a swipe at his hair.

In response, Trump again called himself “an extremely stable genius”, this time forcing staffers to line-up and describe how stable he was, out loud, in front of cameras, or else. Which, on the creepy scale, registered in the high teens and made walking the last mile look like a skipping stroll to an ice cream truck.

The man is an absolute expert at throwing bright shiny objects, which the press and public chase after like golden retrievers lunging for steak-flavored frisbees. So, what else can we expect to divert us from the various investigations, subpoenas and jailed advisors that will soon be targeting him? Glad you asked.

Next…

– He’ll get the Secret Service to round up all the dismantled Confederate statues and reassemble them on the South Lawn.

– Melania will contemplate another nude photo shoot.

– Kellyanne Conway and her husband will get into a fight and throw a lamp that sails over the South Portico while Donald is holding a press conference in the Rose Garden.

– Puerto Rico will be sold to a Russian oligarch giving residents 4 months to get out. But not here.

– McDonalds builds a personal private franchise in the basement of the West Wing.

– For a third time he will announce he wants to form a cyber- security task force with Russia.

– Eric Trump will quit whatever he does in the White House and go back to college.

– Donald Trump will announce his A1C diabetes results are off the charts. The highest of any human in the history of being alive.

– He’ll start a war with Iran.

– He’ll scrap the plan to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and replace her with Ivanka.

Copyright 2019, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.