Peaches, the Wall

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President Donald Trump loves him some wall. Not the wall of corruption he’s surrounded himself with. Not that karmic wall of wasting all his political capital sucking up to superstitious xenophobes. Nor the huge self-erected wall that keeps him from learning or uttering or even caring about the truth. No, not those thick as a brick wall.

We’re talking about his obsession with a physical structure on our southern border, which he’s variously described as being big and beautiful, see through, transparent, steel slats, concrete, fences, barriers, whatever you want to call it. He even said opponents can name it “peaches.”

So Peaches, it is.

Resolving a 35-day government shutdown, he agreed to a congressional compromise that gives him less money for Peaches than they agreed to back in December, before he got chastised by Fox News. They don’t call him Mister Art of the Deal for nothing.

In response he declared a national emergency and wants to take money from other programs to build Peaches. Or does he? He knows this maneuver will put reluctant GOP senators on record and be challenged in the courts. And he’s already set himself up to lose by announcing he didn’t have to do this now, he could have waited. Which seriously questions the “emergency” part of national emergency.

The dirty little secret is he doesn’t actually want Peaches. He just gets a kick out of talking about her. To goose his base into roaring and cheering while demonizing people who don’t look like them. To get liberals so red in the face they make ripe tomatoes look pale pink covered in talcum.

Recently, the president switched from having rallies chant “Build the Wall,” to “Finish the Wall,” as if he already started construction. Which is like a naked guy asking for alterations to the cuffs of the suit he isn’t wearing and doesn’t own. Adding another chapter to that whole Emperor’s New Clothes analogy. Only true supporters can see his kingly robes.

It doesn’t make any sense. Riling up Texas ranchers by invoking eminent domain. Slashing pet projects of the military. Besides, exactly how does he plan to build a 1952 mile-long wall on the Mexican border without using Mexican labor? Is he going to draft housewives from La Jolla? “Marilyn, hand me that masonry trowel.”

And why does he need Congress to give him money? Whatever happened to Mexico paying for Peaches? Are we supposed to just forget about that? Perhaps he was kidding. He didn’t mean it. Or was it a figurative “paying for it?”He should build Peaches around his refrigerator. Or between his hands so he can’t tweet.

Doesn’t matter that undocumented immigrants commit less crimes than native- born Americans. Pay no attention to the studies that say crime in cities with larger amounts of undocumented immigrants is less than other cities. These aren’t facts, they’re fake news.

“But they’re taking all our jobs.” Dude, if you’re losing your job to someone with a 5th grade education, who doesn’t speak English, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem.

He certainly is right on one point. This country is experiencing a state of affairs that requires quick and decisive action. As that self- described American patriot Ann Coulter said after his announcement, “The only national emergency is the president is an idiot.”

Copyright 2019, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.