After Xmas Gift Wish List

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Raging Moderate

It’s way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth. While all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales have blessedly come to an end, they’ve been replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after-Christmas sales. The only major difference is there are much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks.

It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole.

As we throw the last shovel full of dirt on the most festive of seasons and kick the dried-out fir tree to the gutter, it is our self-imposed, public-service task here at Durstco to right the many wrongs perpetrated by the corpulent bearded cisgender male in the scarlet suit on his global flight.

Apparently Santa had some holes in his bag and a few folks didn’t receive the gifts they so richly deserved. A little mistake we would like to rectify here with WILL DUR$T’$ AFTER XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

At least the after-Christmas sales will make the purchasing of said items more bargainy. And by delaying another week or so, we could dovetail into President’s Day sales. What with the government shutdown, every penny saved is a penny earned. Earning a couple hundred or so could buy us a cup of coffee. Not a latte, but still.

For Kellyanne Conway: A red, white and blue muzzle.

For General James Mattis: An all-expenses paid vacation to the relative calm of Damascus, Syria.

For Melania Trump: Not a designer coat, but a new coat designer.

For Nancy Pelosi: A whip, a gun and a chair.

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: A cold dish of revenge.

For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A round-trip ticket on the clue train.

For Michael Cohen: A poster to hang in his cell that reads “What Happens in Jersey Stays in Jersey.”

For Mitt Romney: A cape and pair of tights to help him single- handedly save the Republican Party.

For Kamala Harris: Some of Hillary Clinton’s excess testosterone.

For Donald Trump and Roseanne Barr: Two pairs of those Chinese finger traps for their thumbs.

For Ivanka Trump: A fully furnished pied-a-terre in the Seychelles.

For Jared Kushner: The same kind of family reverence his father showed his uncle.

For Kanye West: A new hat.

For Brett Kavanaugh: Clarence Thomas’ primer on how to question Supreme Court litigants.

For Mike Pence: A strobe light, so at press conferences, he can at least give the appearance of movement.

For Elon Musk: A years’ supply of whatever medicine they give kids with Attention Deficit Disorder.

For Bernie Sanders: A series of bushes to lurk behind for the next two years.

For Rudy Giuliani: A case of mint-flavored shoelaces for the multiple occasions he puts his foot in his mouth.

For Joe Biden: A 55-gallon drum of patience.

For Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador: A wall to control our immigration.

For Rachel Maddow: A nice blue sweater.

For Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Two six-foot spools of industrial strength bubble wrap.

And finally for the American People: Total gridlock of the 116th Congress. No harm, no foul.

Copyright 2019, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.