Giving Thanks in 2018

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Raging Moderate

One thing we should all be grateful for this year is that Thanksgiving is making its annual appearance at the earliest possible point on the 22nd. And it could not come at a better time, conveniently laying down a soft muffling blanket of brightly colored leaves over the scorched ruts of one of the most contentious elections in our nation’s history. Thanksgiving this year comes 712 days before the next most contentious election in our nation’s history, one that officially kicked off on Wednesday, November 7.

The fourth thursday of November is the best of American holidays, a non-denominational feast of friends, family, food and football featuring six-story helium balloons on rope tethers jousting with lampposts. Where’s the bad? The first sanctioned appearance of Santa, for crum’s sakes.

And we do have much to be thankful for. 712 days until the next election for one thing. Also, we can’t forget to mention all the everyday ordinary objects, people and events that fill our lives and normally slide by unnoticed as we go about the important business of earning a living and carving out a future. Like the store-bought pumpkin pie topped by canned whipped cream that is undoubtedly the real culprit for the hour nap striking down the entire family after dinner.

So, unless you’re a large fowl that has recently been force-fed a glut of high protein grain then crowded down a path towards a big metal machine making scary swooshing noises, there is much to be thankful.

We, the Board of Directors at Durstco Industries, are thankful:

– For the fact that the Pilgrims chose to celebrate on a Thursday providing their descendants with a unique 4 day weekend to kick off the Christmas shopping season

– For spoonfuls of peanut butter right out of the jar.

– For the State of Florida. Can’t drive. Can’t count. All right Florida, we’ve had it. Time to circumcise America. Just cut it off at the Georgia border and kick it into the Caribbean. 49 states. Works even better on the flag. Seven rows of seven stars.

– For Donald Trump’s unceasing efforts to provide daily comedic fodder on an hourly basis. Minutely.

– For being alive during the Platinum Age of television.

– For Turner Classic Movies’ obsession with early Barbara Stanwyck movies.

– For a wife who understands that any decision made before the consumption of a third cup of coffee is not binding by custom or law.

– For perfectly turned, 6-4-3 double plays on bright summer afternoons with a Sheboygan brat in one hand and a cold Anchor Steam in the other.

– For Thomas Jefferson who presciently predicted that America gets the leaders it deserves.

– For Shake Shack now having 194 locations.

– For Robert Mueller’s patience, perseverance, persistence and perspicacity.

– For Jim Acosta, because you need a blunt instrument to counter other blunt instruments.

– For Aunt Lee’s lime Jell-O with carrot shreds and Aunt Hoogolah’s Dupamouche.

– For Chris Christie. Love him or hate him, he’s not going away and is too big to fail.

– And finally, for the Newly Elected 116th Congress. Now that Democrats control the House, it’ll be interesting to see who they have bigger fights with: the GOP or themselves.

Copyright 2018, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.