Oval Office Apprentice

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President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two marriages, armed forces physicals, White House Communications Department staffing, convincing foreign countries to build boundary structures. But the one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real genius for pretending to be real.

His greatest public triumph was the 14 seasons he hosted NBC’s “The Apprentice” in a position he thought he was really good at. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say “You’re Fired!” with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected. Not even the Terminator.

Which could explain why his presidency is being run as The Apprentice. To him, this whole thing is little more than a reality game show played on a slightly larger scale.

Last week, we thrilled as Donald Trump considered the pardon of Martha Stewart. Then we were wowed when Kim Kardashian joined him to break the record for largest White House assemblage of ass since Jimmy Carter hosted the champions of the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Tournament.

In an earlier episode, he canceled the North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un. But wait, now its back on. Or is it?”We’ll see what happens.” And where might the summit be held? At the magnificent neoclassical landmark Marriott Fullerton in the exotic Southeast Asian city/state of Singapore. Because what happens in Singapore, stays in Singapore. Especially with a Trump International Hotel: Coming Soon!

Later this week, don’t miss the identity of the next person to be voted off the island. And who will replace them? Could it be one of us? “Come on down!” You’re the next contestant on this week’s thrilling episode of “Fooling Some of the People All the Time.”

And in case you even thought of not tuning in, here is a preview of the rest of the season leading up to November Midterm Madness. The “Super Sucking Up Contest” featuring conservatives in close races competing to see who can create the loudest suction noise in an effort to entice the former real estate developer to campaign for them. Or not.

Sparks fly when brawls break out between cabinet secretaries sabotaging each other through injudicious leaking. And your head will completely pop off as you try to guess which of the president’s lawyers will accidentally admit the president is indeed guilty of Russian collusion, but who cares?

In a shocking twist, you’ll never guess which disgraced and ousted staff member makes an inspirational and tearful return. Meanwhile, in the wings, Miss Congeniality, Vice President Mike Pence, stands waiting with the medical team, holding a rose.

You’ll cry tears of laughter as various celebrities trade theories as to what happened to the First Lady. Was she recovering from plastic surgery or kidnapped to keep from talking to Robert Mueller? Or did the operation to remove the surveillance chip implanted in her by the Clintons and Obamas at Barbara Bush’s funeral go horribly wrong?

One thing you’ve got to admit, it’s never boring!We are living through the Exclamation Mark Presidency!!! And don’t be surprised if the master game player gives us the ultimate cliffhanger: pardoning himself for a crime he didn’t commit.

You won’t want to miss Season 3. But don’t worry, you won’t be able to.

Copyright 2018, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

Look for Will's new book "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing" at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Will Durst's performances and columns are made possible by the First Amendment.