Alexandra Paskhaver

Yesterday I called the police, but not for the reason you think. I can’t help it...

When I was little and we were having guests over, my mother would always have me set the table. The fork was on the left. That is to say, on the right...

I miss playgrounds. Now, the only thing I do well on playgrounds is warm up the benches. Speaking of government: when I was in elementary school, we had the sort of high-tech playground equipment that would put the CIA to shame...

I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday and was once again shocked to not see myself featured. I’m beginning to think they don’t want to exhibit my work...

I’m such a square, my ears have corners. I make my bed every morning. But this scintillating lifestyle has its drawbacks. I’ve started to think about taking up martial arts. Sure, I take risks...

New York has been voted the ugliest American city, not because of its architecture, but because of its people. It’s because of its architecture. Europe does things a little better, but not by much...

If you want to see a flying whale, go to the Natural History Museum in London. That’s because it’s dead. Right when you enter the museum, you see that enormous skeleton suspended from the ceiling: a whole blue whale, or what’s left of it...

Just because I think littering should be punishable by death doesn't mean I'm an unreasonable person. I smile when dogs get on public transport. I also have a freshly-oiled chainsaw in my garage...

England! Glorious England! I’ve been in London for the past month, officially as part of a study abroad program. When traveling, the usual questions come up. What’s the currency exchange rate?..

I’ve spent a lot of time on the couch. Where most children graduate from a little bed to a bigger one, I graduated to one of those foldable couches where you can keep things beneath the seat. I barely feel those tennis rackets...

I just finished “Democracy in America,” which is a book by a Frenchman named Alexis de Tocqueville on… well, it’s in the title. Watson of the duo, only without a mustache, sailed to the United States to check out its capital attractions...

When I hike to the end of a long trail and see a beautiful sunset or a sparkling river, a single thought always occurs to me: did I turn off the oven? They’re trying to get themselves in shape and to get me out of my desk chair...