Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Believe it or not, Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall” makes me think of Mother’s Day.

Remember the scene where Allen’s character Alvy was stuck in line at the movies, subjected to the pompous blathering of a pseudo-intellectual? When the topic turned to media philosopher Marshall McLuhan, Alvy handily produced McLuhan himself to put the blowhard in his place.

By the same token, it would be great if those of us being accused of a mid-life crisis or being condescendingly told, “Okay, boomer” could whip out our mom to declare, “(Fill-in-the-blank) is still my baby!”

Other random thoughts about maternal sayings and tactics:

It’s not advisable to throw childhood lectures in your mother’s face years later. Let your elder relatives handle their own squabbles. Do not chirp, “Mom — this thing between you and Uncle Milo and Aunt Sylvia — you’re the oldest. You should know better!”

Mothers are just begging for snappy responses when they trot out chestnuts like “Are you going out dressed like that???” (“No, Ma, I’m stripping down and switching to formal attire in the front yard. Call 9-1-1 if it gives Mrs. Othelmeyer another heart attack.”)

All his biographers are tight-lipped about this aspect of his life, but I remain convinced that on more than one occasion teen-age Alexander Graham Bell’s mother met him at the door with a judgmental “You could have called.”

I’m sure there were mothers involved in the emergency response to the Chernobyl and Fukushima nuclear disasters, but why didn’t they work their motherly magic? You know, a little bit of spit should have cleaned up everything good as new.

Mothers teach us so many valuable life lessons, although there is often a guilt-trip agenda behind the information. (“It’s only an urban legend that you can see the Great Wall of China from outer space. My stretch marks, on the other hand…”)

How did crying wrangle an exclusive contract with America’s mothers? You know, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” What’s wrong with “Stop chortling or I’ll give you something to chortle about” or “Stop giving your brother a wet willie or I’ll give you something to give your brother a wet willie about”?

Blunt mothers are an existential threat to therapists, clergymen and mountaintop gurus. “Do you live to annoy me?” Talk about an epiphany of meaning and purpose! (“Thanks for the clarity!”)

“A little soap and water never hurt anybody.” That’s an oddly specific segment of the mortality statistics to cite. A cynical child might start having nightmares about being caught in the crossfire of a war between Dove, Dial and Irish Spring.

“Are your legs broken?” That diagnosis is a lot of responsibility to heap on a little kid. Who are you going to get a second opinion from – his imaginary friend?

“You’ll be treated like an adult when you start acting like one.” Yeah, that doesn’t age well. Get a diploma, a life partner and a mortgage and there’s still always someone telling you, “Eat this or you’ll die. Don’t read that! Ixnay with that energy source! Remember to take a mask if you get stranded on a deserted island…”

Still, there’s something comforting in the fact that mothers will still be mothers even when we’ve colonized other worlds.

“Don’t let that thing put you in its mouth! You don’t know where it has been!”

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Copyright 2024 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”